Easter approaches which means that Pastel Monday is not far off.  For those of you that I haven’t told yet, Pastel Monday is the day after Easter when the candy hits the sale bin (They need the space for the extra-early Depression-inspired Christmas displays, get your shopping done early this year).  Each April the…. Day After Easter looters and bargain hunters all across the nation hit a sugar-induced fever pitch. 

As far as vaguely religious holiday candy goes Easter wins against all comers.  Better than the best candy cane or sugarplum and superior to the Pepto-Bismol flavored message heart, the jellybean reigns supreme.

What does this mean for you? 

It means you’ll be calling in sick Monday, which will be literally true because you have gorged yourself stupid on chocolate bunnies, Peeps, and egg-shaped Reese’s.  Your blue lips will have chapped and bleeding fissures from where you repeatedly licked Robin’s Eggs to apply like lipstick.  What an illuminating exercise in self-control this will prove to be.

To encourage you not to risk the dangers of Pastel Monday, I offer up this corporate recipe you can make at home:

THE CADBURY EGG 

1.  Chocolate
2.  Wax
3.  Wax Paper
4.  Fortune – This year to save money Cadbury Inc. and Sleepy Panda Cookies have halved manufacturing costs by including vague proverbs in every egg.  This also means that you can soon expect Cadbury eggs to end your meal at your favorite Chinese restaurants year round.
5.  Albumen – Protects the yolk.  Formed shortly after fertilization.
6.  High Fructose Corn Syrup
7.  Food – The only part of the egg with any identifiable nutritional value.  Protein: 1 g.
8.  High Fructose Corn Syrup with Yellow #6
9.  Jesus-spot – It is his re-birthday after all.  Nearly undetectable to the naked eye, each chocolate egg contains a speck of the lord’s DNA collected and cloned from blood scraped off the Shroud of Turin.
10.  Endoplasmic Reticulum (Rough) – A lacey membrane covered in ribosomes.
11.  Endoplasmic Reticulum (Smooth) – A lacey membrane lacking ribosomes
12.  Gerrymanderane – An imaginary membrane established to separate the white part of the egg from everything else.
13.  Fortune: Side B – Lucky numbers & Learn Chinese.
14.  Air Pocket – To cut corners.  It gets bigger every year because no one ever notices.
15.  Foil Wrapper – You can eat it, but the likelihood of enjoyment is in inverse relation to the number of your fillings.